Growing Pains

Hi everyone!

Long time no post.  Things have been busy here, what with getting ready for graduation and doing end of the year things.  I'm happy to report, though, that I have not one but TWO auditions coming up next year!  They're both for regional/touring productions of shows, they're on the same day within an hour of each other(!), and they're both in New York City!  Can you say road trip? ;)

I'll be sure to write a proper post about both of these auditions when the time comes.  Today, however, I wanted to share with you all something that's been on my mind most recently.  That something would be, you guessed it, growing pains.

I had originally wanted to write a post like this about all doubts I've been having these past few months regarding auditions, but I figured something along these lines would be more appropriate for two reasons.  The first is that when I sat down to write my original post titled "Doubt," it turned very dark very fast.  While I think it's important to share those dark feelings from time to time, I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to write a whole post about it, mostly for personal and private concerns.  This leads me to second reason I wanted to instead talk about growing pains which is this.  As a performer you're always growing, no matter if it may not seem like you are.  Most often, growing and learning more about your craft and yourself as a performer is a really rewarding and fun experience.  But it also can't be denied that they are definitely moments of struggle, frustration, and sometimes pure sadness that come with the process.  Take yesterday, for example:

I was singing in a class for a teacher I've worked with a few times before.  My initial go at the piece wasn't all that bad, but definitely left some room for improvement.  I got up to sing again, already feeling a little frustrated with myself for not doing my best the first time I performed.  We started working, and I tried to do what he was asking of me.  Unfortunately, all of doubts of "You can't sing this piece well," "You're not a good performer" and "Who are you trying to fool?"  got the best of me and I had a huge breakdown in front of the class.  I'm talking ugly crying, gasping for air, the works. It wasn't exactly my finest moment.  :/

My teacher and classmates were great about helping me through it as they let me talk about my feelings and frustrations.  As great as was to express everything that had been going on inside my head and heart, I admittedly still felt a little shaken afterwards.  Today, though, my teacher asked me to get coffee and to follow-up on how I was feeling.  We talked more about my doubts and worries, and can honestly say it was one of the best talks I've had with a teacher in a while.  I felt like I could speak freely without judgement and that I got awesome insight into what kind of performer I am and still want to be.  When we had finished, I walked away feeling like I could keep moving forward even if I was still a little scared of failing.  I also felt one of the best feelings that any performer could feel; someone was supporting and believing in me.

Dealing with these kinds of feelings are never easy.  I know that there are still going to be times when I struggle with my performing insecurities and will need to work to overcome them.  But if there's one thing I've taken away from this experience, it's that I can do what I want to do.  I don't need to beat myself up if I'm not "strong" about something, because it's not always about fighting back tears or putting on a brave face.  It's more about allowing myself to feel any emotion, and making the decision to move forward, accept the challenges, embrace uncertainty, and know that progress and growth is happening, even if it doesn't seem like it at first.

Speaking of which, I need to keep preparing for these upcoming auditions.  Be on the lookout for more posts about them, and about other related things!

Until next time!  :)